Why I gave up on dating websites

This was the last email I received from that damn dating website.

I don’t know what it is about you…. that promise of a fun person with a kickin sense of humor or just your good looks.. but I we both know my first attempt to get your attention failed.

I think we’re a match and I’m eager to prove it! LOL

So here I am trying again!

~Mr. CrazyTalk

Now that wasn’t psychotic, a little out there since he has contacted me twice.  It was his profile that was crazy.  Read on, and some material has been edited for privacy.

It’s now been one year and three months since I closed on my first waterfront property… and if this web site were not taking up my free time, my only unfinnished goal would be to save 20% on car insurance.

Friends tells me that I should find that special someone — to bask with me on the wood deck — laughing over a bottle of wine — under the glow of the full moon.

Not impressed? What if I told you that I stayed at a Holiday Inn!

Surely your profile must read no Bozos – but just because I am a humorist really does not make me a clown. I am what is called a closet humorist… under the guise of a hopeless romantic.


If you looking for someone with no issues — sorry — I suffer from ‘buy’polar disorder.. it’s where you ‘buy’ a home and you can’t decide to romance the house and shower it with expensive gifts or share a life with a real person. Houses are very possessive… they hate to share my wallet with anyone but Home Depot! My house says yes and I just cannot say no…

So — who is Mr.CrazyTalk? 

When it comes to business, I am fairly serious. Started CrazyTalk Business about three years ago. My company trains _____ consultants — which makes me a consultant, too!

I’m not a simple guy — but alas, if you are for me, you are not a simple gal. I love complexity… I like rainbows with more than 7 colors — you should too. 

Hopefully, you have this uncanny sense to read my photos and conclude I am deep, serious, devoted to my friends and loved ones, then silly as a lark when YOUR guard is down. 

if you think we click, then press here –> X

Act now — get a free ice crusher — our 1 800 operators are standing by….

Sincerely, Mr. CrazyTalk 

Um, yeah…that’s what is out there…online…emailing me.  Since it was my last night to use the site, I figure I would check out who has viewed me.  I was excited and hopeful to see that this hot guy had viewed my profile several times. 

I’m an athletic outdoorsy guy who is always full of intense energy… lots of intensity, lots of energy. I am funny, quick witted and I like to have fun, especially if there is sushi and coffee involved (not together). I like women who are the female version of me, are very spiritual, look at life as though their glass is always half full.        

I am an ex dancer so I try and stay in shape and work out often. I hike, do the gym, sea kayak, bike, ice hockey (30 years), and am a regular at Krav Maga. I’m a scrabble freak and I love reggae, go figure…… Last but definitely not least, I am a triple scorpio, so you know what that means 🙂

First Date
Doing anything wherein we both can express ourselves….. and sushi should be involved.    

I have a question… why do 9 out of 10 women on this site mention they are not looking for sex or a guy who wants sex? I have never looked at one profile (and I have done this as an experiment) from a guy who says this. If I was an alien from another planet, I would assume sex was a plague to women, and it does not attack men. AND, what is even funnier, and we have all witnessed this, and you girls know who ya are.. .we get this response…. “I don’t need to be on this site for sex” or “I can get sex if I wanted it.” Technically you don’t have to be on this site for meeting people either, but here we are. So, is this some kinda phrase you learn at women’s school to boost your ego??? like you have to tell us this that you are sex worthy? Apparently men have sex, or like sex, a lot, because we are always told not to ask for it, well, it is probably with women, most of the time, and probably with a lot of you girls who say “i’m not looking for sex.” Anyway, just an observation that makes me giggle.

What the fuck?  Did he actually just type that, and then press send?  Immediately after reading this diatribe, and then reading it out loud to one of my friends, I cancelled my account for that site.  I’m almost done deleting the other accounts. Fuck online dating websites.  My new year’s resolution is to embrace my spinsterhood.