The Oscars were awesome last night. Jon Stewart was a wonderful host, especially when he gave the winner of Best Song extra time to make her speech. I love how the top awards went to foreigners and no Americans. There were some awards that I would like to personally give, you know, for fun, so here they are:
Best Baby Bump: Cate Blanchett. She looked like she was carrying JLo’s kids plus here own! She is not due for another few weeks but since this is her third kid, she ballooned up like Kirstie Alley. She was hot in the dress. Mad props to her.
Best Reason to Learn a Foreign Language: Javier Bardem. My goodness, is this man humble, talented and drop dead gorgeous. And I want to learn spanish.
Best Impersonation of a Bag Lady: Tilda Swinton. Come on, Tilda. Step your game up. I loved her in the movie Orlando, I haven’t seen Michael Clayton yet, but damn, it’s the Oscars. She has an amazing body yet she decides to steal a dress from some homeless person and pair it with nice jewelry. What gives?
Best Adaptation: Sarah Lawson. Yep, she turned George Clooney to mush, to the point that they go everywhere together, moved in together and attend awards ceremonies together. Women are pondering the idea of becoming a Las Vegas cocktail waitress to snag a Clooney. Come on, I’ve thought about it. Cocktail waitresses across the country are mesmerized by the fact that she adapted the supreme sample of all mankind into monogamy. You lucky bitch, you.
Best Oscar Snub: Whoopi Goldberg. She hosted the Oscars 4 times, is one of a select few who has won an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy and an Emmy, yet she had one spot in the Oscars montage. That’s jacked up. She was a pioneer before Oprah, before Halle, before Denzel.
Best WTF Moment: tied between Mylie Cyrus and Gary Busey. Why the heck was Mylie Cyrus invited to the Oscars? For the ratings? Look, she’s a great gal and her tv show is great (yes I’ve seen it, not bad) but she has nothing to do with the Oscars. Gary Busey kissed Jennifer Garner (and it looked liked he was holding on to her too long) on the red carpet. He interrupted Ryan Seacrest’s interview with Garner and Laura Linney and kissed both of them. It was as creepy as my boy Bardem in No Country for Old Men. The look on Garner’s face was a mix of surprise and disgust. Classic!