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Madonna reported to jury duty the day after her fabulous Oscar party. She was on time but was dismissed later on in the afternoon. Hmmm, she must be on to something. She partied until at least 4am and then showed up, I’m assuming, hung over and not looking like her usual gussied up self. I think I should apply this to my own jury duty dilemma. If I party until dawn, show up looking like a shlumpadinka and stinking like a bar, maybe I’ll be sent home.

The Oscars were awesome last night. Jon Stewart was a wonderful host, especially when he gave the winner of Best Song extra time to make her speech. I love how the top awards went to foreigners and no Americans. There were some awards that I would like to personally give, you know, for fun, so here they are:

Best Baby Bump: Cate Blanchett. She looked like she was carrying JLo’s kids plus here own! She is not due for another few weeks but since this is her third kid, she ballooned up like Kirstie Alley. She was hot in the dress. Mad props to her.

Best Reason to Learn a Foreign Language: Javier Bardem. My goodness, is this man humble, talented and drop dead gorgeous. And I want to learn spanish.

Best Impersonation of a Bag Lady: Tilda Swinton. Come on, Tilda. Step your game up. I loved her in the movie Orlando, I haven’t seen Michael Clayton yet, but damn, it’s the Oscars. She has an amazing body yet she decides to steal a dress from some homeless person and pair it with nice jewelry. What gives?

Best Adaptation: Sarah Lawson. Yep, she turned George Clooney to mush, to the point that they go everywhere together, moved in together and attend awards ceremonies together. Women are pondering the idea of becoming a Las Vegas cocktail waitress to snag a Clooney. Come on, I’ve thought about it. Cocktail waitresses across the country are mesmerized by the fact that she adapted the supreme sample of all mankind into monogamy. You lucky bitch, you.

Best Oscar Snub: Whoopi Goldberg. She hosted the Oscars 4 times, is one of a select few who has won an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy and an Emmy, yet she had one spot in the Oscars montage. That’s jacked up. She was a pioneer before Oprah, before Halle, before Denzel.

Best WTF Moment: tied between Mylie Cyrus and Gary Busey. Why the heck was Mylie Cyrus invited to the Oscars? For the ratings? Look, she’s a great gal and her tv show is great (yes I’ve seen it, not bad) but she has nothing to do with the Oscars. Gary Busey kissed Jennifer Garner (and it looked liked he was holding on to her too long) on the red carpet. He interrupted Ryan Seacrest’s interview with Garner and Laura Linney and kissed both of them. It was as creepy as my boy Bardem in No Country for Old Men. The look on Garner’s face was a mix of surprise and disgust. Classic!

This film was the kind of visual masterpiece that makes you wish your life looked this glossy.  Keira Knightley and James McAvoy have such carnal magnetism that I’m blushing just thinking about it.  McAvoy has got something, even with Anne Hathaway in Becoming Jane.  By the way, their love scene was the hottest 12 minutes of film I have ever seen.  I needed a cigarette after watching it and I don’t even smoke!  The entire cast kept the story going, so I can see why it was nominated for Best Film instead of all the acting categories, except for Saoirse Ronan.  She was excellent as the naive 13 year old sister to Knightley’s character, who grows into a sage woman, delightfully played by Vanessa Redgrave.  I am totally going to get it on dvd.

Well I guess it’s no surprise that Amy Winehouse won several Grammys tonight. Her performance was okay, and I don’t know what she was doing with her hands, let alone her dancing. It looked like she had to go to the bathroom. Let me get this straight; she is blessed with a beautiful talent, works hard, gets a record deal, then goes on tour, drinks alot, smokes some stuff, releases another album, has a hit about not going to rehab, gets married, smokes some crack, actually goes to rehab and then wins several Grammys. Things that make you go “Hmmm…”

Wow.  This film is a stunning account of moral extremes.  Tommy Lee Jones and Josh Brolin  were amazing.  Javier Bardem is wonderfully creepy, cold-hearted, and precise.   For a while,  it was almost like these three characters were symbolic of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, respectively.  Jones’ role of the sheriff was restrained but so knowledgeable.  Brolin was bold yet restrained, and smart but somewhat naive.  And Bardem was just plain spooky.  This man had killing down to a science.  It was an excellent film, although the ending reminded me of the Sopranos finale.  The movie deserved all its accolades.