Bike is german for….

I am totally single, which means I don’t have sex on a regular basis, or at all.  So to expend all of that extra energy, I decided to start biking. I have not biked since 19– (trails off), so it was difficult for me. The first time I biked to work, it took me 45 minutes and I needed a cpr kit. It’s been just over five months now and I have shaved my time down to just 21 minutes.  Last month, I sucked it up and biked to Manhattan, riding over both bridges.  I have biked to IKEA and then to work on the same day.  I thought that I would stop for winter because it is so damn cold, but I haven’t. Unless it’s too windy, or it is raining or snowing, I bike every day to work.  I really enjoy the time to decompress from work, not to mention I am saving money.  The best thing is, I can still eat whatever I want and my abs look fantastic.  I bought my bike for $150, and I am thinking of really overhauling it with some new breaks and a good paint job.  So yes, I would recommend biking to anyone. It really is the best substitute for sex…besides Mallomars…

Definition of the word “workout”

Workout (noun) The intense conditioning of muscles you never knew you had, by a good-looking personal trainer, which results in not being able to climb stairs, walk or sit down without excruciating pain.

Oh…holy…Jesus.  What was I thinking?  I haven’t excercised in over a year and I thought I would be okay.  I walk to work every day, I look like a model (so I’ve been told…by sober people, thank you very much) so why am I in so much pain?  The trainer looked at me and asked what was I doing there.  I said I needed to add more definition, to keep things fit and to add on weight.  He asked me how much I weigh.  I said 136 pounds but I should be 140 to 145 pounds for my height and age.  He asked me how old I was and I told him I just turned 36.  He was stunned.  This is probably why he pushed me so hard, because I look young.  My knees were screaming to my calves and my glutes put a jihad out on my hamstrings.  When I was finished with the session, I realized just how lazy out of shape I am even though I walk to work every day.  Well that, and the fact that using one of those old lady walkers sounds really good right now.