I’m glad I got through Valentine’s Day, aka V-Day, without stabbing someone. This is the worst excuse to buy a card ever. Can I feel anymore single than on that day? What the fuck with the smug couples who do all this last minute planning? When I was in a relationship, I had all my plans made a month ahead of time. There was none of this calling restaurants on V-Day, or trying to schedule a massage the day before. It’s unbelievable how lazy and stupid couples are, especially men. I know that many people say every day should be Valentine’s Day. That is not fucking true, otherwise ladies would be getting flowers, chocolate and some sort of jewelry every day. Suck it up and make an effort to make the day special. Or you could be like me: snuggle up with a bottle of wine after a long day at work.
So my evil same-named nemesis was caught looking like a hot mess while shopping a Pier 1 Imports sale last week. Eddy Vedder and Cher called and they want their clothes back.
This was the last email I received from that damn dating website.
I don’t know what it is about you…. that promise of a fun person with a kickin sense of humor or just your good looks.. but I we both know my first attempt to get your attention failed.
I think we’re a match and I’m eager to prove it! LOL
So here I am trying again!
Now that wasn’t psychotic, a little out there since he has contacted me twice. It was his profile that was crazy. Read on, and some material has been edited for privacy.
It’s now been one year and three months since I closed on my first waterfront property… and if this web site were not taking up my free time, my only unfinnished goal would be to save 20% on car insurance.
Friends tells me that I should find that special someone — to bask with me on the wood deck — laughing over a bottle of wine — under the glow of the full moon.
Not impressed? What if I told you that I stayed at a Holiday Inn!
Surely your profile must read no Bozos – but just because I am a humorist really does not make me a clown. I am what is called a closet humorist… under the guise of a hopeless romantic.
If you looking for someone with no issues — sorry — I suffer from ‘buy’polar disorder.. it’s where you ‘buy’ a home and you can’t decide to romance the house and shower it with expensive gifts or share a life with a real person. Houses are very possessive… they hate to share my wallet with anyone but Home Depot! My house says yes and I just cannot say no…
So — who is Mr.CrazyTalk?
When it comes to business, I am fairly serious. Started CrazyTalk Business about three years ago. My company trains _____ consultants — which makes me a consultant, too!
I’m not a simple guy — but alas, if you are for me, you are not a simple gal. I love complexity… I like rainbows with more than 7 colors — you should too.
Hopefully, you have this uncanny sense to read my photos and conclude I am deep, serious, devoted to my friends and loved ones, then silly as a lark when YOUR guard is down.
if you think we click, then press here –> X
Act now — get a free ice crusher — our 1 800 operators are standing by….
Sincerely, Mr. CrazyTalk
Um, yeah…that’s what is out there…online…emailing me. Since it was my last night to use the site, I figure I would check out who has viewed me. I was excited and hopeful to see that this hot guy had viewed my profile several times.
I’m an athletic outdoorsy guy who is always full of intense energy… lots of intensity, lots of energy. I am funny, quick witted and I like to have fun, especially if there is sushi and coffee involved (not together). I like women who are the female version of me, are very spiritual, look at life as though their glass is always half full.
I am an ex dancer so I try and stay in shape and work out often. I hike, do the gym, sea kayak, bike, ice hockey (30 years), and am a regular at Krav Maga. I’m a scrabble freak and I love reggae, go figure…… Last but definitely not least, I am a triple scorpio, so you know what that means 🙂First DateDoing anything wherein we both can express ourselves….. and sushi should be involved.
I have a question… why do 9 out of 10 women on this site mention they are not looking for sex or a guy who wants sex? I have never looked at one profile (and I have done this as an experiment) from a guy who says this. If I was an alien from another planet, I would assume sex was a plague to women, and it does not attack men. AND, what is even funnier, and we have all witnessed this, and you girls know who ya are.. .we get this response…. “I don’t need to be on this site for sex” or “I can get sex if I wanted it.” Technically you don’t have to be on this site for meeting people either, but here we are. So, is this some kinda phrase you learn at women’s school to boost your ego??? like you have to tell us this that you are sex worthy? Apparently men have sex, or like sex, a lot, because we are always told not to ask for it, well, it is probably with women, most of the time, and probably with a lot of you girls who say “i’m not looking for sex.” Anyway, just an observation that makes me giggle.
What the fuck? Did he actually just type that, and then press send? Immediately after reading this diatribe, and then reading it out loud to one of my friends, I cancelled my account for that site. I’m almost done deleting the other accounts. Fuck online dating websites. My new year’s resolution is to embrace my spinsterhood.
Drew Peterson is engaged. No, I didn’t stutter, he’s engaged to some 23 year-old idiot. How the fuck does this ugly, fat, manipulative psychopath go on dates, let alone have a relationship, meanwhile I’m single? It does not make sense. Do I have to stab someone to get a date? Someone up there is having a joke with us.
I needed a few weeks to cool off after watching the Oprah show about couples in sex therapy. That show just ruined me. Actually, it was the married couples who made me sick. Why get married if you are going to withhold sex? Then the women complain about not feeling attractive or sexy. I’m sorry, did you find one man who loved you enough to marry you and still want to have sex with you after you let yourself go? Don’t blame the kids, the stress, or the pregnancies. You let yourself go. It pisses me off that I’m a habitual single woman, with a body most women would pay good money for, yet I can’t get a date. But when I find that special someone, I would try to make up for lost time. I would do things like swing from a chandelier, have sex in an elevator and not leave the bedroom for an entire weekend. These women made me physically sick because they don’t know how lucky they are, and again, take their relationships, their husbands, and that entire tray of brownies for granted.
I am unbelievably tired. I have two jobs…actually three jobs if you count grand jury duty. Well I count it because I get paid for it, I have to report to the courthouse every Friday, and since I am the secretary, I have to do some work. Anyhoo, I did not remember how hectic it was to work two jobs. What is funny is the last time I did this, I was in culinary school full time. No wonder I never slept. My fear is that I will answer the phone at one job with the greeting from the other job. But other than that, both are going well.
Yesterday, I scheduled an hour to vote. I know, that sounds weird but I knew the line would be long. No, it was unbelievably long. After waiting a half hour, I knew I would be late for work, so I left. But I asked one of the volunteers what is the best time to come in. He said to come in before 9am or 10am and it would be a 15 minute wait. I asked another person if I could go to any voting center. She said no just go to the one closest to your house. Since I have jury duty on Fridays, I decided I would go before jury duty and then catch the bus. I got about 6 hours of sleep because I worked the late shift and I was getting up even earlier the next morning. I get to the center at 8:15am. I was the third person in line. Fifteen minutes later, we still haven’t moved upstairs. Fourty minutes later, I waited on another line upstairs, which was outside the voting room. They told us to turn off our cell phones, meanwhile the poll workers and volunteers were chatting and text messaging on their phones. And there was some volunteer walking around to make sure our cell phones were off. Ugh. I needed to know what time it was because I didn’t want to be late for jury duty. They would lie, saying things like “Oh it’s not even 9am,” just so they could continue their phone call. I was finished at 9:30am and then called the juror office to tell them I would be late. The coordinator asked why and I explained to her what happened. She said I could have gone to any early voting place as long as I had my ID and that the one downtown near the courthouse had no wait. Unbelievable. This is why people don’t vote. I strongly believe that my fellow Americans are lazy and don’t have enough patience to stand in line for more than 15 minutes, even if food is involved. I hope that I made the right decision to vote early, meaning the wait time to vote on Election Day will be longer.
It’s obvious that I blog, and have been doing it for some time. I talk about a lot of things that can, and are viewed by friends, family and anyone that can search on Google. I have no problems with this because it’s therapeutic for me. Besides, the voices in my head tell me what to type. All joking aside, my blogging world has reared it’s ugly head in the dating world. I signed up for a new matchmaking web site and in less than a few days, I already received an email from one of the world’s worst dating candidate. Imagine my face as I read this email:
Hello…I am Mr.Freak of Dating Nature. I’ve been in Florida about six months now. My direct e-mail is Afirstname.lastname@example.org. Hope to hear from you soon. If my picture didn’t post…I can send it. ciao!
PS…we seem to have a few things in common…we’re tall, we like British things (I like my Rover)…I like bangers and mash too (& flaky chocolate), both born in Nov & both use to live in B’more. I suppose “Cheers” is more in order. Dating Freak
I write him back and this is my response along with his:
1. How do you know my name?
2. How do you know I lived in Baltimore?
1. I’m a computer professional, meaning I have my masters-degree in computer science. I currently work as a Senior Network Engineer. I simply googled your unique name: Achixanthem.
2. You have a website–> Shenae.com and you posted a blog there which goes back to 2002. I have JustCallJames.com, but its more of a work or private business venture website.
3. You have a spam page and you have comments on Ivo’s spam page.
4. You have photo’s posted on Flickr via your rather unique user name “Achixanthem” ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/achixanthem ) Photography is something I’ve done for more than 20 years now. I use to be a photojournalist in Europe in fact. I still do quite a bit of photography, video, graphics, audio production and website work.
5. You posted your name and I think your birthdate Nov 20th online…so everything was pretty much public info.
Shenae, In any instance…this didn’t go the way I expected it to and since your focus seems to be on how I found out about you rather than what I think about you or you about me. I suppose deductive reasoning would ‘perhaps’ indicate the lack of interest on your part. I won’t write or otherwise bother you again unless you write me back. With that said…take care & no worries. Cheers! Dating Freak
Yeah it didn’t go the way you expected, because you’re a freak of dating nature. But I digress…he seemed harmless so I responded to his email:
I am the type of person who doesn’t Google people I’m interested in dating. I like to get know them through conversation and spending time with them. So it was odd and a little frightening to have someone who I’ve never met address me by my name and know where I used to live. I think I understand why you researched me, but I don’t approve. And I don’t think you should follow the same route with other women. Good luck and take care.
And his answer was:
Hello again, I respect your opinion…but honestly think this has more to do with your “secretive” nature as a Scorpio, than anything else. (I’m a Scorpio also.) In retrospect…experience has taught me to be careful who you allow access to your life via the internet. I am perfectly content with the aspect of agreeing that we disagree. What’s so funny, ironic & interesting is you have a website called Shenae.com with “public-blogs” from 2002, yet you view my simple inquiry as some sort of invasion of privacy.
One of my jobs in the IT field is information security, therefore when someone like yourself has so much public information on the net available…in my view its the same thing as a woman wearing an extremely tight dress and clevage popping out…then she gets angry when (A) Men stare and pay attention to her & (B) When she wears that same dress to a business meeting and wonders why no one takes her seriously.
More so, I don’t agree with the idea of “And I don’t think you should follow the same route with other women”. I think the mistake was perhaps in letting this knowledge become mutual. You should know…I really didn’t research you…as you put it, but instead had a curious disposition as to the name “Achixanthem” which I had never seen before (& I suspect is some play on words). Trust me…had your name been TallnSexy or something more common…it would not have gotten my attention in that same way.
Finally…I had no intention of writing you back, but you wrote me back…so touche. My gut feeling and intuition are both tools which have never failed me. I said this to say…despite my “web inquiry” I don’t think we would have been each other’s “cup of tea” in any case. No doubt you could be classified as an “unconventional woman of color” in many respects, which shouldn’t taken as a good or bad thing…just an observation. With that said, I second your sentiments: “Good luck and take care.”
PS…funny thing is…when I was in Baltimore, I did tons of event photography for various people, organizations, greeks and corporations & worked for the city-govt so your face looks familiar. What comes to mind is one of Gary Grey’s parties. (for what its worth) PEACE!
Oh no he didn’t. Mr. Freak of Dating Nature with no social skills did not just say that? So now I know he is in his own world because I never referenced him as an invader of my privacy. I emailed him the following:
I don’t have a secretive nature because I blog, and I’ve been blogging before it was ever cool to blog, even before 2002. And I should have clarified my point as to why I understand you looked me up: I know my handle is unique so if someone was curious about it, naturally they would want to look it up. I never stated it was an invasion of privacy. I just said I’m not that kind of person who Googles someone before a date, and that I prefer conversation. This would scare other women to the point of them blocking you or reporting you to the site admin, which is why I sent the email. Even though we disagree about your strategy on beginning a conversation via email, you did not come across as some psychopath. I didn’t want you to do the same thing to another woman and have her freak out and report you.
Do you know what happened next? He didn’t even read my email. He simply deleted it without reading. I’m sure he’s Googled any woman that he’s interested in before they meet for coffee. And this could never be the reason why he is single. Nope. Not ever. Well, besides the fact that he is not open to another person’s opinions.
So boys and girls, what did we learn from this? If you have a web page that can be Googled, no matter what you have on the page, or even with the lack of content, it’s public domain. (I knew that, but I will point out that his email was hidden to protect some of his privacy) We learned that I need to find a way to update my archives. My site lists the first entry as February 2000 but according to Mr. Freak of Dating Nature, it only goes as far back as 2002. (By the way, my birthday is November 18th so feel free to start gift shopping now) We learned that I should post more seductive pictures of myself, boobage and all, so that I can attract more suitors, only to complain and blog about it. And finally my class of heathens, my handle “achixanthem” is just plain awesome.
The third night I was in my new apartment, a tiny baby frog hopped in. I don’t know when or how long he had been there, but he didn’t want to leave. What is it about me and frogs? Again, this means prosperity but I have yet to see it. I tried to get it out the humane way, you know, gently pushing it towards the door. It hopped into the door. I nudged it, and it was still blinking it’s eyes but I think my nudging killed it. I did buy a lotto ticket for the next drawing and I guess I didn’t win because I had a hand in killing the baby frog. This is so wrong on so many levels.
A frog hopped into the house yesterday. It took me 15 minutes to get it out, like it didn’t want to leave. And it wasn’t just any ordinary frog, this was some kind of albino looking grayish white frog with reddish brown eyes. What is significant about little Kermit’s visit is that frogs are a symbol of prosperity in feng shui and if one hops into your house, it means that money is going to be coming to you. Love that feng shui!