shenae.com

I made the calls, forwarded my resume, sent the follow-up emails and made the move.  One sentence cannot emphasize the amount of stress I have gone through during the last two months.  I packed up my apartment, donated most of my stuff, and put eight boxes and a bag in storage.  I couldn’t fly with my cats so I rented a car and actually drove from Florida to Maryland. Oh…holy…Jesus…that was stressful.  I haven’t driven a car since 2008 so yeah, not only my life was in danger, but also my cats, and anyone on the road or the sidewalk.  I left Monday night, arrived in NYC on Wednesday afternoon. I slept for 10 hours in 3 days. I was a wreck.  But now I’m so much happier.  New York is amazing. I still haven’t found  an apartment yet, and have resorted to staying with friends.  I start my new job this week and I’m working on getting another one.  I don’t know what is going to happen next, but I know I am much happier here.

I was working two jobs since October 2008. I…was…exhausted. I would rather go home, enjoy a glass of wine, and sleep than go out with friends, or even a date.  I mean, I’m somewhat optimistic about dating. So beginning January 27, 2010, I went 2 months with one job.  I was freaking out.  I had the time but not enough money to do some of the things I wanted to do.  But then the gods smiled on me and granted me a job at a lovely clothing company, allowing me a major discount on most frocks you would find in magazines.  The only catch? It’s at night, setting up the displays. Ooooh.  I ended up working for 20 hours between both jobs…in one day.  I was beyond tired, I was hallucinating and having conversations with myself.  I was off for the next 3 days from both jobs, and after that time off, I was happy.  What is wrong with me?

Things are going well with the new apartment.  The few friends who have come by like the layout and the open feeling when there.  I just wish I had more furniture. I am focusing on decorating it, and putting something on the walls! I went from owning a 2BR/1.5BA with a basement and a deck in Baltimore to renting a studio apartment with an eat-in kitchen in Miami Beach.  I’ve given away or sold most of my furniture from previous residences so I’m starting from scratch.  My place looks like a serial killer lives there, with a mattress on the floor, a tv, a pitifully small futon, and a desk. There is no table to eat on and I have two forks, two spoons, two plates, two knives, etc.  If more than one person comes over, I have to eat off paper plates. I strongly believe the word minimalism really means having no furniture and barewalls because you’re broke.

One work colleague is an amazing photographer.  Another co-worker does wonderful drawings, and yet another is a painter.  My best friend can read tarot cards and sometimes gets messages from the other side, you know, in the Ghost Whisperer/Medium kind of way.  So I asked myself, what is my special talent?  A long time ago, I thought it was my foreign language skills, and later on I thought I could work with computers.  Just a few years ago, I pictured myself as an excellent chef.  And now, I don’t know what to do. Drinking does not count as a talent, people. The uncanny ability to attract homeless men or dirty old men is a curse as far as I’m concerned.  Being funny?  Perhaps.  The ability to blog about food, travel and tv at the same time should be considered an art.  Meh…

I’m glad I got through Valentine’s Day, aka V-Day, without stabbing someone.  This is the worst excuse to buy a card ever.  Can I feel anymore single than on that day?  What the fuck with the smug couples who do all this last minute planning?  When I was in a relationship, I had all my plans made a month ahead of time.  There was none of this calling restaurants on V-Day, or trying to schedule a massage the day before.  It’s unbelievable how lazy and stupid couples are, especially men.  I know that many people say every day should be Valentine’s Day.  That is not fucking true, otherwise ladies would be getting flowers, chocolate and some sort of jewelry every day.  Suck it up and make an effort to make the day special.  Or you could be like me: snuggle up with a bottle of wine after a long day at work.

    

courtesy of INFdaily.com

So my evil same-named nemesis was caught looking like a hot mess while shopping a Pier 1 Imports sale last week.  Eddy Vedder and Cher called and they want their clothes back.

This was the last email I received from that damn dating website.

I don’t know what it is about you…. that promise of a fun person with a kickin sense of humor or just your good looks.. but I we both know my first attempt to get your attention failed.

I think we’re a match and I’m eager to prove it! LOL

So here I am trying again!

~Mr. CrazyTalk

Now that wasn’t psychotic, a little out there since he has contacted me twice.  It was his profile that was crazy.  Read on, and some material has been edited for privacy.

It’s now been one year and three months since I closed on my first waterfront property… and if this web site were not taking up my free time, my only unfinnished goal would be to save 20% on car insurance.

Friends tells me that I should find that special someone — to bask with me on the wood deck — laughing over a bottle of wine — under the glow of the full moon.

Not impressed? What if I told you that I stayed at a Holiday Inn!

Surely your profile must read no Bozos – but just because I am a humorist really does not make me a clown. I am what is called a closet humorist… under the guise of a hopeless romantic.

*sigh*

If you looking for someone with no issues — sorry — I suffer from ‘buy’polar disorder.. it’s where you ‘buy’ a home and you can’t decide to romance the house and shower it with expensive gifts or share a life with a real person. Houses are very possessive… they hate to share my wallet with anyone but Home Depot! My house says yes and I just cannot say no…

So — who is Mr.CrazyTalk? 

When it comes to business, I am fairly serious. Started CrazyTalk Business about three years ago. My company trains _____ consultants — which makes me a consultant, too!

I’m not a simple guy — but alas, if you are for me, you are not a simple gal. I love complexity… I like rainbows with more than 7 colors — you should too. 

Hopefully, you have this uncanny sense to read my photos and conclude I am deep, serious, devoted to my friends and loved ones, then silly as a lark when YOUR guard is down. 

if you think we click, then press here –> X

Act now — get a free ice crusher — our 1 800 operators are standing by….

Sincerely, Mr. CrazyTalk 

Um, yeah…that’s what is out there…online…emailing me.  Since it was my last night to use the site, I figure I would check out who has viewed me.  I was excited and hopeful to see that this hot guy had viewed my profile several times. 

I’m an athletic outdoorsy guy who is always full of intense energy… lots of intensity, lots of energy. I am funny, quick witted and I like to have fun, especially if there is sushi and coffee involved (not together). I like women who are the female version of me, are very spiritual, look at life as though their glass is always half full.        

I am an ex dancer so I try and stay in shape and work out often. I hike, do the gym, sea kayak, bike, ice hockey (30 years), and am a regular at Krav Maga. I’m a scrabble freak and I love reggae, go figure…… Last but definitely not least, I am a triple scorpio, so you know what that means

First Date

Doing anything wherein we both can express ourselves….. and sushi should be involved.    

I have a question… why do 9 out of 10 women on this site mention they are not looking for sex or a guy who wants sex? I have never looked at one profile (and I have done this as an experiment) from a guy who says this. If I was an alien from another planet, I would assume sex was a plague to women, and it does not attack men. AND, what is even funnier, and we have all witnessed this, and you girls know who ya are.. .we get this response…. “I don’t need to be on this site for sex” or “I can get sex if I wanted it.” Technically you don’t have to be on this site for meeting people either, but here we are. So, is this some kinda phrase you learn at women’s school to boost your ego??? like you have to tell us this that you are sex worthy? Apparently men have sex, or like sex, a lot, because we are always told not to ask for it, well, it is probably with women, most of the time, and probably with a lot of you girls who say “i’m not looking for sex.” Anyway, just an observation that makes me giggle.

What the fuck?  Did he actually just type that, and then press send?  Immediately after reading this diatribe, and then reading it out loud to one of my friends, I cancelled my account for that site.  I’m almost done deleting the other accounts. Fuck online dating websites.  My new year’s resolution is to embrace my spinsterhood.

Drew Peterson is engaged.  No, I didn’t stutter, he’s engaged to some 23 year-old idiot. How the fuck does this ugly, fat, manipulative psychopath go on dates, let alone have a relationship, meanwhile I’m single?  It does not make sense. Do I have to stab someone to get a date?  Someone up there is having a joke with us.

courtesy of oprah.com

I needed a few weeks to cool off after watching the Oprah show about couples in sex therapy.  That show just ruined me.  Actually, it was the married couples who made me sick.  Why get married if you are going to withhold sex?   Then the women complain about not feeling attractive or sexy.  I’m sorry, did you find one man who loved you enough to marry you and still want to have sex with you after you let yourself go?  Don’t blame the kids, the stress, or the pregnancies. You let yourself go.  It pisses me off that I’m a habitual single woman, with a body most women would pay good money for, yet I can’t get a date.  But when I find that special someone, I would try to make up for lost time.  I would do things like swing from a chandelier, have sex in an elevator and not leave the bedroom for an entire weekend.  These women made me physically sick because they don’t know how lucky they are, and again, take their relationships, their husbands, and that entire tray of brownies for granted.