shenae.com

After five years of bitching, suffering through horrible dates, and using those awful internet dating sites, I had a boyfriend.  It was nice to date someone, get to know someone, actually go out to dinner and a have a conversation with someone.  And then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was elated.  My friends freaked out, I couldn’t believe it, and we continued getting comfortable with each other.  I would see a couple and be thankful for being in a relationship. Morning sex turned into afternoon sex.  In fact, I replaced food with sex. Who does that? I did! We sent text messages or spoke to each other every day.  My apartment was a mess and my cats didn’t remember me.  And then I did something very bad: I cared about him too much. It took one conversation and we were done.  Now I’ve replaced sex with alcohol. My apartment is spotless. My cats are taking me for granted.  It’s been a few days and sometimes I regret what I said, maybe it was too soon, but I realize that the same outcome would happen whether it was 3 months, 6 months or a year in the future.  I just want to move to Spinsterland, start adopting cats and make my own mumus. I’m done. Over it. Seacrest out.

These days are gone
Loud enough to hold on
I think about the time we wasted
I think about the years to come
It’s getting late and I can’t call
It’s getting late to face it all
I think about the time we wasted
My loneliness has slowly grown
I told you not to cross the line
& leave me with your love for granted
The letters from your broken heart
I think I might have lost them somewhere

Even though we’ve said it all
I would never let us fall with you
Hang on to a little chance, you bet I’m in
If it is for better
I would never miss the call, it’s true
Hang on to a little chance, you bet I’m in

Things you should know: I decided not to buy my apartment because I don’t qualify for a loan and I couldn’t afford it.  I was already annoyed that I didn’t have hot water for 13 days, so I just didn’t want to live here anymore.  I got a new apartment which is closer to both jobs.  Speaking of which, my hours were cut from Jobby Job #1, and even though I picked up more hours at Jobby Job #2, I’m still not making the money I used to make.

Things you shouldn’t know: I’ve been on some dates, been out with friends from work and other social activities.  I was hoping that my social life and dating life would improve, but it’s been up and down.  More on the dating aspect at another time.

So for now, I’m packing, I move next week.

I’m glad I got through Valentine’s Day, aka V-Day, without stabbing someone.  This is the worst excuse to buy a card ever.  Can I feel anymore single than on that day?  What the fuck with the smug couples who do all this last minute planning?  When I was in a relationship, I had all my plans made a month ahead of time.  There was none of this calling restaurants on V-Day, or trying to schedule a massage the day before.  It’s unbelievable how lazy and stupid couples are, especially men.  I know that many people say every day should be Valentine’s Day.  That is not fucking true, otherwise ladies would be getting flowers, chocolate and some sort of jewelry every day.  Suck it up and make an effort to make the day special.  Or you could be like me: snuggle up with a bottle of wine after a long day at work.

I canceled all my dating website subscriptions.  Checking them on a regular basis only wasted my time.  The quality of candidates went downhill since I joined the first dating website back in 20–*cough cough*.  So now I’m doing the opposite. I’m embracing spinsterhood.  I do things like watch The View, contemplate purchasing a purse from a tv commercial that has over 50 pockets, and I’m already using public transportation.  All I need is a muumuu, some ill-fitting pantyhose and 16 more cats and I will be an old maid.

This was the last email I received from that damn dating website.

I don’t know what it is about you…. that promise of a fun person with a kickin sense of humor or just your good looks.. but I we both know my first attempt to get your attention failed.

I think we’re a match and I’m eager to prove it! LOL

So here I am trying again!

~Mr. CrazyTalk

Now that wasn’t psychotic, a little out there since he has contacted me twice.  It was his profile that was crazy.  Read on, and some material has been edited for privacy.

It’s now been one year and three months since I closed on my first waterfront property… and if this web site were not taking up my free time, my only unfinnished goal would be to save 20% on car insurance.

Friends tells me that I should find that special someone — to bask with me on the wood deck — laughing over a bottle of wine — under the glow of the full moon.

Not impressed? What if I told you that I stayed at a Holiday Inn!

Surely your profile must read no Bozos – but just because I am a humorist really does not make me a clown. I am what is called a closet humorist… under the guise of a hopeless romantic.

*sigh*

If you looking for someone with no issues — sorry — I suffer from ‘buy’polar disorder.. it’s where you ‘buy’ a home and you can’t decide to romance the house and shower it with expensive gifts or share a life with a real person. Houses are very possessive… they hate to share my wallet with anyone but Home Depot! My house says yes and I just cannot say no…

So — who is Mr.CrazyTalk? 

When it comes to business, I am fairly serious. Started CrazyTalk Business about three years ago. My company trains _____ consultants — which makes me a consultant, too!

I’m not a simple guy — but alas, if you are for me, you are not a simple gal. I love complexity… I like rainbows with more than 7 colors — you should too. 

Hopefully, you have this uncanny sense to read my photos and conclude I am deep, serious, devoted to my friends and loved ones, then silly as a lark when YOUR guard is down. 

if you think we click, then press here –> X

Act now — get a free ice crusher — our 1 800 operators are standing by….

Sincerely, Mr. CrazyTalk 

Um, yeah…that’s what is out there…online…emailing me.  Since it was my last night to use the site, I figure I would check out who has viewed me.  I was excited and hopeful to see that this hot guy had viewed my profile several times. 

I’m an athletic outdoorsy guy who is always full of intense energy… lots of intensity, lots of energy. I am funny, quick witted and I like to have fun, especially if there is sushi and coffee involved (not together). I like women who are the female version of me, are very spiritual, look at life as though their glass is always half full.        

I am an ex dancer so I try and stay in shape and work out often. I hike, do the gym, sea kayak, bike, ice hockey (30 years), and am a regular at Krav Maga. I’m a scrabble freak and I love reggae, go figure…… Last but definitely not least, I am a triple scorpio, so you know what that means

First Date

Doing anything wherein we both can express ourselves….. and sushi should be involved.    

I have a question… why do 9 out of 10 women on this site mention they are not looking for sex or a guy who wants sex? I have never looked at one profile (and I have done this as an experiment) from a guy who says this. If I was an alien from another planet, I would assume sex was a plague to women, and it does not attack men. AND, what is even funnier, and we have all witnessed this, and you girls know who ya are.. .we get this response…. “I don’t need to be on this site for sex” or “I can get sex if I wanted it.” Technically you don’t have to be on this site for meeting people either, but here we are. So, is this some kinda phrase you learn at women’s school to boost your ego??? like you have to tell us this that you are sex worthy? Apparently men have sex, or like sex, a lot, because we are always told not to ask for it, well, it is probably with women, most of the time, and probably with a lot of you girls who say “i’m not looking for sex.” Anyway, just an observation that makes me giggle.

What the fuck?  Did he actually just type that, and then press send?  Immediately after reading this diatribe, and then reading it out loud to one of my friends, I cancelled my account for that site.  I’m almost done deleting the other accounts. Fuck online dating websites.  My new year’s resolution is to embrace my spinsterhood.

Here are some quality selections from my dating website emails.  Did you notice each of them is just one line long?

I’m looking for sexual foreplay and massage. Is that what ur looking for?

hiiiiiiiii

Do you date older men? I’d love to hear from you,

I need my floride, and that would be Y O U! I love you

This is the best one by far.  How could one IM session piss a girl off so much?  Read on, and by the by, my thoughts are in italics…

Shenae:  Hi
*** Waiting for Douchebag to connect
*** Douchebag’s IC window is open
Douchebag:  hi
Shenae:  I just emailed you and then i saw that you were online
Douchebag:  yeah, ijust read it thanks
Douchebag:  no, you shouldnt be worried, i am harmless
Shenae:  lol (edited)
Douchebag:  for sure
Douchebag:  you seem to have a great body (is that a compliment?)
Douchebag:  do yo hav emore pics>? (I should have logged off here, plus he can’t type)
Shenae:  well thank you
Shenae:  just pics of me in clothes (hint hint, perv)
Douchebag:  ok
Shenae:  were you looking for a specific kind of pic?
Douchebag:  not really…i just think you have  a hot body from what i can see in your pics (alert, alert, he said it again, code red)
Shenae:  well thank you again
Douchebag:  what r u doign home tonight? (is this lol catz or can this mofo just not type?)
Shenae:  you are definitely easy on the eyes
Shenae:  i am relaxing
Shenae:  i have to work tomorrow afternoon
Shenae:  what are you doing?
Douchebag:  thanks honey
Douchebag:  not much, ijust got got home
Shenae:  what do you do for a living, if you don’t mind me asking?
Douchebag:  work for a ****  (edited)
Douchebag:  and you
Shenae:  at a **** (edited)
Shenae:  and i work **** (edited)
Douchebag:  sounds nice
Shenae:  errr, it’s tough
Shenae:  i work at night most of the time
Douchebag:  what r u looking for on this site (what the…)
Shenae:  a relationship
Shenae:  and you?
Douchebag:  having fun, hooking up
Shenae:  ah okay (shut ‘er down, he’s a flake)
Shenae:  well it was nice chatting with you
Douchebag:  likewise
*** Douchebag’s IC window is closed

Online dating is oodles of fun.  If you could see my face, there would be a huge fucking smirk on it.

Drew Peterson is engaged.  No, I didn’t stutter, he’s engaged to some 23 year-old idiot. How the fuck does this ugly, fat, manipulative psychopath go on dates, let alone have a relationship, meanwhile I’m single?  It does not make sense. Do I have to stab someone to get a date?  Someone up there is having a joke with us.

courtesy of oprah.com

I needed a few weeks to cool off after watching the Oprah show about couples in sex therapy.  That show just ruined me.  Actually, it was the married couples who made me sick.  Why get married if you are going to withhold sex?   Then the women complain about not feeling attractive or sexy.  I’m sorry, did you find one man who loved you enough to marry you and still want to have sex with you after you let yourself go?  Don’t blame the kids, the stress, or the pregnancies. You let yourself go.  It pisses me off that I’m a habitual single woman, with a body most women would pay good money for, yet I can’t get a date.  But when I find that special someone, I would try to make up for lost time.  I would do things like swing from a chandelier, have sex in an elevator and not leave the bedroom for an entire weekend.  These women made me physically sick because they don’t know how lucky they are, and again, take their relationships, their husbands, and that entire tray of brownies for granted.

I don’t think chatting with someone online would be as bad as a first date.  I was grossly wrong.

Me: hi

Douchebag: Hi baby

Me:  You called me baby. I’m a little older. How are you?

Douchebag: I’m great and sober can u chat a while now?

Me: for a few minutes. where are you now?

Douchebag: wanna trade pics? ny

Me: no i’ve seen your pics on the [insert dating site.com here]

OFFLINE: Douchebag has signed out.

Me: well that was odd.

Just what the hell is going on?  Is the entire dating pool tainted and very shallow?