Ghetto University 101

After staying in Sofa City at a bunch of friends’ apartments, I found a room for rent at $125/week. I thought I hit the jackpot, but what I found was actually a tad illegal and shady.  I went to a real estate manager’s office for short term rentals.  I filled out an application, and was shown this apartment. It was small but they would take my cats and it was a two minute walk to the subway station, not to mention the grocery store across the street. I gave my first week and last week’s rent to my roommate, who also managed the apartment, and picked up my cats from the kennel.  Fast forward to a few months later, to where I come home and my roomie’s friend who owns the dry cleaning store across the street is there. He tells me that my roomie is in Miami for a few weeks and he would collect the rent.  My roommate lived in Miami for about a year and has friends there, so I didn’t think anything of it.  The following day, I got up, did all my laundry, cleaned my room, cleaned the cat litter box and went out to dinner and a conference with a friend.  Later that evening, I come home to a messy apartment.  Apparently, a search warrant is a piece of paper that allows the police to ransack your apartment, throw your shit on the floor and search everything, including your underwear and your cat litter box. One of my cats, Diablo, who rarely socializes or meows, greeted me at the front door, crying like a crazy cat.  Great. I’m living my own version of Law & Order, except there is no hot detective to help me. I read the warrant and it looks as though they searched this apartment and another one for fraudulent papers, aka a fake passport or Social Security Card ring.  Now I’m pissed. I don’t feel safe and my cats feel violated. Who keeps fraudulent documents in a cat litter box? I cleaned my room, calmed the cats and went to bed.  A few days later, my roommate’s wife comes by the apartment looking for my weekly rent.  I explained to her what happened and that no one was here to collect the rent after the warrant incident. She told me I had to have last week’s rent and this week’s rent to her by tomorrow.  I said fine.  The next day, I told her to come by and pick it up before 230pm and she said okay.  At 2:10pm, she asked me to drop it off at the dry cleaner place across the street.  I did so, only because I know the owner and I gave it to him after txting her that I gave him the money.  The next morning, the super knocked on my door asking for rent. What? I told him that my roommate does that. A few hours later, the building manager comes by, saying that my roommate is two months behind in rent.  Of course, he has no business card, and no phone number for me to contact him, but I give him my roommate’s wife’s number.  Interesting. As soon as the manager left, I went across the street and asked Mr. Dry Cleaning if the wife picked up my rent money.  He said no, prompting me to tell him that the super and the building manager came by asking for rent. I called her, and she did not pick up. So I asked for my rent money, and he gave it to me. A few minutes later, she sent me a txt message saying that she was going to give the apartment back to the building manager in seven or eight days and that it was too much work for her.  I just said okay. She then txtd me saying her sister has a room in Manhattan for $150/wk if I wanted it. I declined. I’m not stupid. This morning, she came by asking why I took my rent money back. My other roommate popped in and said, quite frankly, “You told us last week that we have to be out of here by this week because you’re giving the apartment back in a few days, and after the search warrant incident, you still want us to pay? Hell no.” I stiffled my laugh. I told her that she still had my last week of rent from my deposit and that I put a deposit on a new apartment and gave money to the building manager.  I also said that she is two months behind in rent and I refuse to give any more money to anyone else until I am guaranteed a place to stay. She had nothing to say about it.  My other roommate let her have it, because the police dumped everything he owned on his bed and the floor.  Before she left, she said that she would be giving the keys to the super or the building manager on Friday.  Yesterday, the super told me there was a woman in the building renting a room for the same price, and it’s actually on the same floor.  Meanwhile, I posted ads for the mini fridge, the futon and other things that my roommate let me use.  And I’m taking the cable modem, the router, and the tv.  Class, what have we learned? If the apartment is cheap and too good to be true, it’s most likely illegal.  If you think you’re being screwed, try to stay one step ahead and sell their shit. Class dismissed!

Feng Shitty

I realized why I’ve been having such bad luck concerning my jobs lately. Mufasa has been peeing on the doormat and in feng shui, that is my career section. So karmically, my cat has been pissing on my career for the last few weeks.

How to Tame Your Cats

Fresh Catnip: $5.99

Unscented Kitty Wipes: $7.49

Booda XLarge Clean Step Litter Box: $41.99

Arm&Hammer MultiCat Litter (31lbs): $9.99

Hartz Shed Mitt: $6.49

Nature’s Miracle Stain&Odor Remover: $7.49

Knowing that I have the happiest cats with clean paws who will never, EVER, pee outside the litterbox: priceless

RIP My Hotmail Account 1996-2011

After much deliberation, and a boatload of booze, I’ve decided to cancel my MSN Hotmail account. I’ve had Hotmail since it was owned by some dude from Apple and another dude from India. For you young whippersnappers, that translates to 1996. Damn, those were the days.  The memories of my first porn spam, my first Viagra email, my first online order confirmation.  But now it’s time to turn a new leaf. Since I have my own websites, I can have my own email address. I’m all about the Gmail, baby.

I’m obsessed

For the last three weeks, I’ve been obsessed with making an app for the phone. I’ve been researching what file goes where, and where to find the file, how to convert it, worst case scenarios and everything in between.  I watched The Social Network the other night and I can confirm that I sounded just like a nerdy crackhead.  I asked a few friends who are in IT and who have made apps and they are helping, but it looks like I will have to do most of it myself. Today’s horoscope was this:

The pressure to do something creative continues to build and you are motivated to take a risk to make something big happen. But instead of trying to shift gears and change into a production artist overnight, it may be to smarter now to fulfill your obligations and stick with your current course of action. You can always find ways to express your originality without turning your life upside down.

What…the…fuck? I don’t even know how to process that. Except now I know I have to go and buy some books to learn how to write code and put the thing together myself. It wouldn’t turn my life upside down, and since I would actually doing something, I wouldn’t sound like a crackhead, blabbing to my friends about it.  I still go to work, shower, try to pay bills.  So I decided I’m going to keep at it, but I’m going to ask for help.  And if it doesn’t work out, at least I tried.

All I Want for Christmas is….

My Christmas list goes something like this:

  • A modest, roach-free apartment on the Upper East Side, the Upper West Side, or eff it, Greenwich Village
  • My babies! I miss my cats. Since I’ve been living the hobo life, my boys have been living the luxury life at a kennel. They get treats and fresh water twice a day, and they get brushed. I don’t know if they’ll be happy once I get them back.
  • A pair of warm boots.  Damn this New York winter…and the rain…and the snow.
  • Some longjohns….seriously…I moved from Florida to New York, so yeah, I’m cold.
  • A white iPhone 4, please.  I know it’s a myth, like the unicorn, or the Jonas Brothers’ virginity.  A girl can dream, can’t she?
  • Gerard Butler…I know, I’ve mentioned this before but please, if there is a Santa Claus, I’ve been a good girl, and I deserve a bad boy.

Believe and Receive

I hustled for interviews almost every day, peddled my resume online, and made follow-up calls like a pro.  All that hard work paid off, because I started working at a prestigious eatery a few days ago.  I was so nervous! I haven’t cooked in a restaurant in years…ages even.  My friends said it was like riding a bicycle and I felt like  I was going to crash before I got to the end of the driveway.  During my kitchen trial, I asked questions, I volunteered to fetch things, and I paid attention.  And you know, it was like riding a bike.  Most of it did come back to me and I am really proud of myself.  One of my best friends has a mantra, which is “Believe and receive,” and I think it rubbed off on me.  I just kept at it, and I am blessed with two jobs.  Now if I could just find a cheap apartment and a good-looking guy to date me…